Her Fear of Forgiving
by nooni19
Summary: What if Amanda had been allowed to take the stand and testify against her old Deputy Chief? Alternate to Forgiving Rollins ending.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All rights belong to the respectful owners. Not copyright infringement intended.**

 **1**

Amanda stood looking expectantly at Rafael Barba.

"So you mean that…?"

"Yeah."

"So that means that I…?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"In forty five minutes."

Amanda went and took a seat at the periphery of the courthouse, needing to get off of her shaky legs.

This was happening. It was really happening. She knew that it was five years ago for her. She hadn't reported it. If she was completely honest with herself, she hadn't even tried to mentally prepare for this situation. She presumed that her testimony would get thrown out on the grounds of being prejudicial. But it hadn't. And now she had to testify. In forty five minutes. And she wasn't ready.

Barba had moved over to the side with her and had seen the instant change in demeanour. Shit. She was shocked that she would be testifying. Crap, crap, crap.

This was not good. Quickly he waved Olivia over and talked to her in a hushed tone at a distance from Amanda.

Olivia's eyes cast a glance at the younger blonde detective and saw the trembling.

"It's okay Barba, I got it just give me a minute okay?"

He nodded and headed off to compose himself and get ready for what would almost certainly be a challenge and Olivia headed over to sit next to Amanda.

"Sargent, I'm not ready for this." She told the presence next to her without looking up.

Olivia lifted her hand up and it hovered over her sub-ordinates back for a moment before she decided to lower it and show her some support.

"It's okay Amanda. I don't think anybody can be truly ready. What is important is that you go up there and you get up there and that you tell the truth. Barba will do his best and ensure that he sees this through. You just need to do your part. We are all here for you, no matter what."

Amanda rubbed her face with her hands and looked up at Benson.

"Sarge, I just… I don't know if I can do it. I don't want to do it. I was happy with the whole thing being over and done with. It was forgotten and I could live with that. I was doing fine. But now it's all back up at the surface and I feel like I am on a sinking ship. I don't want to do this. I wish I had kept my mouth shut."

Olivia took in what the detective was saying and saw parts that she didn't recognise. Amanda Rollins was a very headstrong, southern detective who would take on anything that came across her path. But there were certain glimpses that Olivia was getting into a person so deep down inside of Amanda Rollins that it almost seemed as though there was a split in her personality.

If she wasn't mistaken, it sounded as though Rollins was scared.

"Amanda, look at me?"

She looked up and met the gaze of her Sargent and waited for something to follow.

"Amanda, I know that this situation may seem impossible and that you are probably scare-"

"I'm not scared." Rollins interrupted. "I just don't know what to make of the entire situation. But that does _not_ mean that I am scared." Amanda argued defensively.

"Okay, okay." Olivia conceded holding her hands up unthreateningly. "I can understand that you felt like you were on solid ground when you moved to New York. But then Patton comes here and everything has been turned upside down, and now you are back to not knowing where you stand."

Amanda was about to say something but was interrupted by Barba as he came up to them.

"I am so sorry Amanda, but we've been bumped for some reason. You're on the stand now. We really need to get in there."

Rollins' eyes went wide with unspoken fear as she considered what the next hour would bring. Heck, it would change her life considerably. Everyone would know. Everyone would know everything. There was no hiding it now. No denying it. She couldn't get away with that anymore because her team wouldn't let her as much as she would want them to.

"But… I can't, I…"

"Amanda, we went over this. We prepared for this. You did well. Everyone is going to be there supporting you. It's going to go fine. It will."

Amanda nodded unsteadily and wiped her sweaty hands off on her pants.

The two walked into the courtroom at a steady pace with Benson following close behind. She took a seat next to the rest of her team and watched as a nervous looking Amanda walked up and took the stand. The judge deemed the court to be in session and Amanda was sworn in within minutes.

Olivia looked at the two men sat next to her. Both of them were tight-lipped, their jaws set in a permanent tense state. Their fists were balled up on their laps to match their feelings.

Olivia had to admit that she felt the exact same way, except she kept her utter disdain for the entire situation on the inside, preferring to keep a look of support on her face, so that she could reassure Amanda if the time were to come.

Barba wasted no time and stood up getting ready to question Amanda, he took a deep breath before he started, casting a glance at the jury before turning to Amanda, smiling and nodding.

"Detective Amanda Rollins, correct?"

"Yes."

"Now, just to be clear, you have been with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit, for nearing five years? Is that correct?"

"Yes it is."

"So then you are no newcomer to taking the stand and testifying?"

"No. No, I'm not."

"Now, to clarify, there was no relationship that occurred at any time during your stint at the APD?"

"No. Not at all."

"In spite of his many attempts and offers that suggested he wished otherwise?"

"That's correct."

"When this incident occurred you chose not to come forward?"

"No, I didn't feel comfortable doing so."

"And why was that?"

"Patton was my boss. I had been working at the Atlanta Police Department for years, working hard to get to where I was. At the department there was a large gender bias. I was one of the only females in the department, let alone working as closely with Patton. I felt as though my job would be threatened if I were to come forward and chose to put my prospective career ahead of… what happened to me."

"When you had the opportunity to leave, not very long after the incident you chose to do so, yes?"

"Yes. As soon as I was able, I took a transfer out of the department and got as far away from Atlanta and Deputy Chief Patton as I possibly could."

"I see. So what was it that lead the incident to occur?"

"My sister was facing felony charges and Deputy Chief Patton asked for me to go into his office, and told me that we could fix the problem."

"To you, what was inferred by that statement from the Deputy Chief?"

"That if I were to have… sex…with him, that my sister wouldn't be prosecuted."

"Detective Rollins, did you consent to having sex with Deputy Chief Patton?"

"At first, I… yes I did. We met at a motel, and it was clear that he was drunk. He started to grab at me and began to pull off my clothes. I asked him to slow down. But he got rough. He… he bit me. Also he slapped me, and banged my head. I had started to bleed. And I tried to get up but he said…" she looked away from Barba for a moment, breathing in and saw Benson giving her a nod, signalling that she was doing okay. "He said 'Amanda, you know I don't take no for an answer.'"

"What happened next Detective Rollins?"

"Deputy Chief Patton took my wrists and pinned them above my head… and told me I wasn't going anywhere, and that there would be no one that would believe me anyway… I… gave up."

With tears beginning to form in her eyes, Amanda bit her lip before saying "And… he raped me."

"Thank you Detective Rollins, I have no further questions."

Taking his seat, he looked over to the defence to see the lawyer standing up, preparing for the beginning of his cross examining.

"Now, you claim that there was no romantic relationship occurring between you and the Deputy Chief?"

"Yes."

"Despite the fact, that he was your mentor, you never crossed the line?"

"No, we didn't. I did not have an affair with him."

"So your relationship was strictly professional. So if you were so adamant about keeping your relationship strictly professional, why did you agree to go to the motel?"

"As I said, my sister was facing felony charges and I was thinking of her."

"You were thinking of her, even though an affair could have had potential negative effects on your career?"

"Yes, I love my sister."

"I see. So when you went and met up with Deputy Chief Patton, you had every intention of sleeping with him so that your sister wouldn't be prosecuted. Correct?"

"I…"

"It's a yes or no question Detective Rollins."

"Yes."

"When was it that you decided that you did not want to have sex with Patton? Was it before? Or was it after that you regretted it? Did you feel that it would be easier to say that he raped you?"

"When Deputy Chief Patton started to get rough with me, and… take off my clothes, I decided that I did not want to continue."

"Did you ever say no? Tell him to stop?"

"I tried to get off of the bed, and I would have left if I had been able to. But I-"

"That was not what I asked. Did you ever tell the Deputy Chief no?"

"I… no. I froze. My head was bleeding and he told me that no one would believe me."

"So you are saying that in spite of all of your training, you were unable to fight back? Or was it that you chose not to? You were at a motel, surely if you had yelled out or screamed, someone would have heard you? Did you do either of those things Detective Rollins?"

"I…"

Amanda was sitting on the stand. She was looking shell-shocked. Barba was beginning to wonder if she was going to answer.

She continued to stare at the floor saying nothing. This prompted the lawyer to move closer to her. He moved right up to the stand, repeating exactly what he had previously asked. Alas, again there was no response.

"Judge, I ask that you tell this witness to answer."

"Detective Rollins," the judge began "Detective, you are obliged to answer. You need to do so."

Rollins however continued zoning in and out. She looked up at the judge, with a glaze covering her eyes. There was no depth to them.

"Detective Rollins, are you okay?"

Amanda felt as though the room was moving around her. Suddenly it took a sharp turn, and the world tilted sideways.

She quickly grabbed a hold of the podium in front of her and closed her eyes.

The judge started speaking to the blonde again, "Detective Rollins? Do you nee-" but she was cut off by the detective's eyes rolling back and her passing out, falling off the chair, and hitting her head on the way down.

 **Hello. So I have been wanting to write this for a while. Please let me know what you think. : )**

 **Also, I am tossing up between this being a two shot or being slightly longer. Does anyone have any preferences?**

 **Either finishing it up next chapter. Or having Sam Reynolds show up angry and take it out on Amanda and have further Patton – Amanda interactions. Thanks!**

 **Also, I know basically nothing about the legal system etc. So this was largely just guesswork with help from the actual episode. Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

"Rollins?!... Rollins!" Barba yelled as he made his way up to the stand to see if Amanda was okay.

The lawyer who had been perilously scrutinising her had simply taken a step back. Whether it was because he felt it wasn't his place or because he simply didn't care, Barba could not be certain. However, Rafael continued on his journey over, and looked to the court security guard who was standing over her, then at the judge, before looking at the jury. All had mixed emotions on their faces and it made all the much more sense when he saw the blood that was gushing from her head.

"Call an ambulance!" He yelled as he ushered over Olivia.

It was quite clear that Rollins was going to kick herself when she woke up. But that really didn't matter right now. What mattered was making sure that she didn't have a more serious head injury.

Amaro and Finn went outside to meet the paramedics and guide them in when they arrived at the court building. Benson could see the worry on both Nick and Fin's faces as they left the courtroom.

They didn't want to move her too much in case she had any other injuries that couldn't be seen. Instead they checked on and monitored her breathing until the glorious pitter patter of feet from the paramedics made their way into the courtroom and Rollins' friends were shoved aside, with the medics taking over.

They carefully rolled her over so that she was on her back as well as immediately placing a collar around her neck to stabilise her.

One medic took gauze from her bag and applied it to the bleeding head wound, taping it down to secure it in place before the duo tilted her sideways so that a back board could be slipped underneath her body.

Within a matter of minutes they had her on a bed and were wheeling her out of the courtroom. Olivia was tagging along behind them making it abundantly clear that she would be riding along with them in the ambulance.

The judge was bewildered and declared that they would be reconvening as soon as was possible.

Barba, Fin and Amaro then told Olivia that they would meet them at the hospital.

As he was passing Barba took a look at Deputy Chief Patton and saw the smug grin on his face. Barba's anger began to rise to the surface, yet he continued in his easy fashion, gathering his things and walking out the door.

O/o

In the ambulance, Olivia sat down on the bench next to the paramedic and the stretcher that was holding Amanda. As the doors closed the medic was putting an IV line into Amanda's hand that was closest to her and started to give her fluids.

If Olivia was being honest with herself she was starting to become worried. Amanda and her had not always seen eye to eye. And in the past, Amanda made decisions that ultimately ended up in Olivia losing her faith in her, causing the detective to have to earn back Olivia's trust.

But recently, the blonde had more than proved herself to be an integral part of Benson's team, and she would most certainly not want to be without her for any extended period of time.

As soon as the debacle started involving Patton and his new blonde protégé, Olivia had to admit, she did see some changes in the woman, but thought nothing of it. It was only as of late, after Amanda had admitted to Barba and then to everyone else, that she had assaulted her that she thought back to the very first few cases that she worked with the blonde.

She thought back to the words that she had uttered… _not worth pursuing._

Now she wished that she had tried to pursue it. Even though it would have been a challenge. Maybe if she had tried to be friendlier, more accommodating, and even more open to the idea of a new team member after Stabler had left, then she might have been able to stop this.

As the ambulance was on its way to the hospital, Olivia was watching everything that was happening very closely. She had to admit that she was worried that Rollins was yet to wake up. Just how hard had the knock to her head been?

…

When they arrived at the hospital Olivia was escorted to the waiting room and Amanda was taken back into one of the rooms to be treated.

It wasn't that much later that that Nick and Fin arrived with Barba in tow.

"Is she okay? What's the news?" Nick asked Olivia immediately.

Olivia just shook her head and lifted her shoulders and continued to pace. The four of them waited in the waiting room until the doctor came out to greet them.

"Family of… Amanda Rollins?"

Fin leapt to his feet. "That's us."

The man smiled at them all before continuing.

"When Ms. Ro-"

"Detective." Nick corrected.

"My apologies. When Detective Rollins entered the Emergency Room she was unconscious and I'm sorry to say that she is still in that state. Her head wound, which I have been informed was due to losing consciousness was severe and required multi-layered sutures to close. Due to this and her continued lack of consciousness we decided that we would order an MRI scan of her brain to check for any signs of bleeding. Thankfully that came back clear and I believe that the only result of this unfortunate incident may be a small scar and a concussion."

Nick looked at the others with concern written across his face before turning back to the doctor. "Why hasn't she regained consciousness?"

"We have her receiving fluids at the moment. I believe that she was dehydrated and likely suffering from exhaustion. I'll be keeping her in overnight, as with a concussion it is important to continually wake her throughout the night, also I want to keep her on the fluids and get her to eat something before I am happy to discharge her."

The four of them nodded in agreement. None thought for a second that this would fare well with Amanda. But it was a given that they all agreed that she would not be signing out AMA and she would most certainly be staying in the hospital for as long as was deemed necessary, even if they had to handcuff her to the hospital bed.

"Can we go in and see her?"

"Of course. Follow me and I'll take you to her. I can't tell you how long she will be asleep for though I'm sorry."

After the doctor dropped them off at her room, all four took a deep breath before entering the room.

Moving closer they surrounded the bed and looked down at their friend.

Fin was the first to speak up. "Man, she is not going to like this."

"Yeah, she is the embodiment that is disdain for hospitals. She's going to try to leave. We all know that."

"You're right Nick. But the fact of the matter is that she is staying even if I have to pull out the Sargent Benson card."

The four of them had a quick light-hearted laugh before becoming serious again.

"In all honesty, has anyone really been checking in on Amanda this last week? Especially the last few days?" Barba asked.

They all thought hard about what he had asked.

"I mean… I tried to. I'm sure that we all tried to. But Amanda is so independent. She thinks that she can take care of everything by herself. She thinks that she _needs_ to take care of everything by herself. But the fact of the matter is that she doesn't. She still hasn't been able to transition from being a detective in Atlanta, where she could only depend on herself, to being a detective in New York with the SVU, with us; with people that she _can_ trust and rely on to have her back."

Olivia nodded at Nick. "I agree. And I never quite understood it. I thought when Amanda arrived that we would become allies more so than we have because women on the police force occurs in much smaller numbers, yet it never really did happen. And I mean, I know that I didn't help it, with Elliot having just left. I was still sad ad angry. Yet now I can see why she was, and still seems to be having a hard time trusting us completely. But with this case going on, the fact that she testified, her more than likely wanting to go back to the court and watch the rest of the trial, and perhaps have to finish her time on the stand, there is no doubt in my mind that if we don't step in – whether she likes it or not – something like this, or worse, will happen again."

The group sat down and waited deciding to wait for Rollins to wake up.

…

Her head was killing her. Her body felt like dead weight, and she was struggling to open her eyes. Breathing in deeply she furrowed her eyebrows and felt a sharp stinging sensation coming from her forehead. Jees, what had happened? Where was she?

Lifting her hand up to her forehead she felt the edges of gauze that had been taped down. She began to groan as the earlier events came back to her.

"Well hello sleepyhead. It's nice of you to finally grace us with your presence." Fin teased trying to pull some sort of reply from his partner.

Amanda groaned again. How did she always manage to embarrass herself?

"Ugh. It's bright. And what the hell happened?" Amanda queried with a hint of sullenness in her voice.

Nick was the first one to jump in this time. "Well you were on the stand and zoned out. Then all of a sudden you were out for the count. You wacked your head pretty damn hard on the way down too. Multiple layer closure the doctors told us, and you've been out for ages. You have a concussion, probably a bad headache as well."

"Hmm. You can say that again. So when can I leave?"

Amanda's team looked at each other and then back at her.

"You have a concussion and are on fluids because you were dehydrated. The doctor wants to monitor you overnight."

"Seriously? That's ridiculous. Give me some meds for my head and send me on my way. Can you get the doc? I wanna talk to him, set it straight about me leavin'. I'll sign whatever he needs me to."

As she started to push herself forwards she was met with Nick placing his hands on her shoulders pushing and holding her back down.

"Amaro, what are you doing?"

"I'm pushing you back down so that you can relax instead of getting all worked up. Did you not hear what we said? You are dehydrated, took a nasty whack to the head and have a concussion. The doctors are keeping you in overnight and they will re-evaluate tomorrow. There is no way that you are signing out AMA or leaving. Because believe me I will handcuff you to the bed if I have to. You aren't leaving. One of us are gonna stay with you at all times as well."

"That's really not necessary. None of it is."

"I beg to differ. I saw Sam as we were leaving with you and I don't want any meddling or any trouble. Someone will stay with you until this entire court case is over."

"Sarge…"

"No buts about it Rollins."

"Fine. Fine. Where is Barba? I need to apologise to him for flaking in court."

"You don't need to apologise, but Barba headed back to his office and to see where we are going to be going from here. But I am going to be heading back to the precinct with Nick now and Fin is going to do the first shift."

Amanda looked highly unimpressed but knew better than to question the final decision by her Sargent. Not only that, she really couldn't be bothered dealing with Sam or any of the guys from Atlanta should they decide to show up and cause her trouble.

"Okay. But to be clear, I don't need a babysitter."

"Duly noted, but that doesn't change my mind."

Fin took a seat next to Amanda after the other two had left.

"How're you doing?"

"You mean apart from humiliating myself in the middle of court in front of everyone? Yeah. You know, other than that, I'm just peachy."

"Manda… it doesn't matter. You weren't feeling the best. Things happen. Everyone will move past it and it'll be old news. It really doesn't matter. But what does matter is that I am starving. What about you? You need to eat as well. I am thinking a couple of sandwiches from the deli across the street."

"I'm not really that hu-"

"Sounds great. I'll just run across now. Be back in a few."

Amanda rolled her eyes as he headed for the door but yelled after him "Hey, get me a drink while you're at it?"

He smiled and nodded before his departure.

Amanda took the time to look herself over, she didn't seem like she needed to stay in the hospital. But she knew that it was a battle that she had well lost. Looking up at the ceiling, she began to count each of the dots in the ceiling tiles. At least when she had been shot there were given good meds to make the time stuck there more bearable.

A rustling noise in the doorway drew her attention and she saw a couple of guys enter and shut the door.

Well crap. Benson was right. It looked like Sam did want to stir up the pot and cause trouble.

"Hey Manda, how ya doin'?" Sam asked as he and another man from the APD pulled the curtain as they moved toward her bed.

 **Heyyy! Sooooo… I will be making this longer than a two shot as has been asked. There will definitely be Sam featured in this story. Possibly quite a bit in the future as well as some more Patton. And they won't be too happy with Amanda either. I want to explore an alternate storyline where there is more happening for Amanda after the trial with regards to Sam and Patton, rather than going on a retreat to heal. But there will be healing at the end too!**

 **Anywho, please let me know what you think. I'll update ASAP but not sure when as I've just had my appendix removed. Thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

Suddenly Amanda was feeling very vulnerable as she found herself being slowly surrounded by her old team from Atlanta.

"How are you feeling Amanda?" Sam snickered as he placed his hand precariously close to her head though not touching her at all.

"I am feeling fine. You all however, should not be here."

"Amanda… you can't tell us what to do. There is no one here to protect you now. We aren't here to stir up any trouble though are we guys? No. We just wanted to check out how you were doing. You had us _so_ worried."

Amanda raised her eyebrow. "And yet, you have a way of being so menacing without intending it? I doubt that. Now, as I said you ought to leave."

One of the other men stepped up and leant over the blonde.

"Listen here you little bimbo, you are the one in the wrong here. We all know that you got around back in Atlanta. And now that your little indiscretions have finally come to light, you are trying to stitch up our boss. So you listen here and you listen good, you better retract everything that you have said or so help me you-"

"Or what?" Fin asked as he pulled the curtain back across the rail. "What is it that you intend on doing?"

"Nothing. We were just having a nice talk weren't we Amanda. We just wanted to check that our old friend here was doing okay."

"Is that right 'Manda? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. They were just about to leave."

"Are you sure Manda?"

"Yeah. Goodbye. I never want to see you again."

Sam left, followed by the rest of the men that had crashed Amanda's time to rest.

"Manda, are you-"

"Fin, I'm fine! It was nothing that I can't handle."

"I didn't say that it wasn't. But if they were threatening you, then I could arrest them for threatening a police officer."

"No Fin. I am just fine. Now I believe that you had a sandwich for me? I'm hungry."

In reality, eating was one of the things Amanda felt like doing least. But she preferred that rather than having to continue with their current conversation.

In silence they ate and somewhere along the way Amanda fell asleep leaving Fin with time to quickly call Olivia and let her know about what had happened in Amanda's hospital room earlier.

…

"So you're saying that he was there and that he was threatening her?"

"I didn't catch all of it, but I think so yes. She wouldn't admit to anything though. I think that she definitely needs to have someone with her at all times until they go back to Atlanta though."

"Absolutely. There is no disputing that. Do you want to stay there now and tonight or do you want someone to take over for you?"

"I think that I will be fine for now. But tomorrow maybe you or Nick can come and stay while she is discharged and until she decides where she is saying. I'll volunteer my place when she wakes up, so she'll probably stay with me. And in that case I need to tidy my place."

"Okay sounds good. Nick or I will see you tomorrow."

"Later."

Fin went and sat back down by Amanda rather than staying in the corner where he had made the call.

"So your place is that messy huh?"

"Hey, Manda, you're awake."

"Yep. Long enough to hear that I will have my own body guard for the next few days at least."

"Yeah. Sorry about that. But we aren't going to be taking any chances."

"I heard. So I'm staying at yours tomorrow night then?"

"If you want to."

"Mmm. That's fine."

"How are you feeling?"

"My head is sore but other than that I'm okay."

"Well you did whack it pretty hard."

"Mm. I can feel it now."

"I bet. You hungry? It's past dinner time."

"No, I feel like I've just eaten."

"Okay. But you ought to eat. You haven't really been looking well recently."

"And that's your business because?"

"Because I am your friend and running yourself into the ground is not going to help you out in the long run."

Before Amanda could snap back the doctor walked into the room and made his way over to Amanda.

"Good evening Detective Rollins. How are you feeling?"

"I am feeling fine. I don't see why I can't go home tonight."

"You were unconscious for an extended period of time Detective. As such I would prefer to keep you in overnight."

"No worries Doc. She'll be staying."

She sent him an angry glare before looking back at the doctor.

"You must be feeling the effects now. I am ordering some pain medication for your head, and you were dehydrated when you came into the hospital, so we will keep you on fluids overnight until you are discharged in the morning."

"Alright, well we'll get some food sent up. Make the most of the time and rest up. I'm sure you will be back at work in no time."

"No doubt. Thanks."

O/o

Nick walked into Amanda's room with the spare clothes from her locker at work in the bag he was holding.

His two friends were sleeping, but he made his way over to Fin waking him up without disturbing Amanda.

"Fin, Fin. Wake up."

"Ugh." Fin replied cracking his neck before seeing it was Nick that had disturbed his sleep.

"What time is it?"

"Almost ten."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. Did you not get a good sleep?"

"Besides this chair being uncomfortable, Amanda woke up a few times during the night. She wasn't happy about it but refused to talk. And she also had to be woken up because of the concussion. That didn't help. I mean, you know how she is. I really think that she needs to go and talk to Olivet soon."

"I see. And I totally agree. But we'll work on that when we know that she is safe. Which is probably going to be sooner than we thought. Maybe even today. Barba, Liv and Carisi are at the courthouse. They think the judge is making the ruling today. Hopefully they will be out of the state by late afternoon."

"Really? That's awesome. I'm going to go home and change and get my place ready in case she does end up coming home with me today. But I'm sure she would be even happier to go to her own place."

"I agree. But we'll see. Go home. I got this. I'll see you later."

…

A few hours later Nick decided to rouse Amanda from her sleep. It was past noon and the nurse was coming in to remove her IV in a few minutes and then the doctor would be by with the discharge papers.

He had gotten a call from Olivia with the judgement and was sure that Amanda would be relieved.

"Amanda. Amanda wake up. Rollins."

She punched Nick in the shoulder. "What?"

"Rise and shine. It's time to get up."

"What time is it?"

"Well after noon. Come on. The nurse and doctor are going to be here shortly. I figured you'd want a shower and to change. I brought your stuff from your locker."

"Right. Thanks Ni – Hey! How'd you know the combination?"

Nick just smiled and winked, leading her to hitting him nonchalantly again.

"I'll be back."

In the bathroom she took the time to look at herself in the mirror. Some bruising was visible but nothing too bad. It was better than she had thought. And definitely looked better than it felt.

She enjoyed the feeling of the hot water on her skin. And almost got lost in it before she was pulled from her thoughts by a knock on the door.

Hurriedly she got dressed and was met by Nick flirting with a young nurse.

"Hi there Detective. I'm here to take out the line. If you just give me your arm."

Amanda did so and looked away as it was removed. She was never worried about seeing things that made others squeamish. Murder didn't bother her. But her own blood, that was a bit different.

"Hi Detective. I have your discharge papers. Just sign here and you're free to go."

"Awesome. Thank you."

"Feel better soon Detective. And don't work too hard."

Amanda followed Nick out of the room and they made their way down the hall.

"So… what's happening with… Patton?"

"Well, that's where I've got some good news actually."

"Barba, Sarge and Carisi were at the courthouse this morning. They should be completely done by now. So we have to drop by and see them and see what was decided this morning."

"Oh… that's great. Does that mean that I can go home?"

"Yeah. As long as they leave the city."

…

Walking up the steps to the courthouse Amanda felt her palms begin to sweat. She felt more nervous now than she had on the stand. She hoped that her former boss got what was coming to him. Though he would likely have some sort of pull meaning he would get off.

Taking a deep breath she blindly followed Nick through the door and to the room housing their three friends.

Nick held the door open for her and she was met by three pairs of eyes staring at her.

"Hey Rollins. Feeling better?"

"I am fine, thanks."

"That's good. I'm glad to hear." Benson told her. "So, we have some news. About Patton."

Benson looked to Barba who continued.

"It ended up being the case that he took a deal. He received six months' probation, the loss of his badge, community service hours as well as going on the sex offenders registry for the rest of his life. It will be a stain that follows him wherever he goes. He won't ever get away from it."

Amanda nodded.

"Okay. I see. Have they left town yet?"

"Who?"

"All of them. Patton, Sam, the rest of his goons."

"They have plane tickets for 6pm this evening. They will be gone and out of our hair."

"Great. That means that I get to go home tonight right? No needing a babysitter as of 6pm this evening? Correct?"

"Yes Amanda. But you can stay with one of us until you are dropped home this evening."

O/o

"Are you sure that you don't want to stay at someone's tonight? You could stay at mine or Fin's."

"I'm fine Nick."

"Okay. Well then what if I come and stay at your place tonight on the couch? That way if yo-"

"Nick! Honestly I am fine. It is half past six, their plane left half an hour ago. I no longer require a body guard and I just feel like some alone time. And maybe a nice, hot bath."

"Okay Amanda." Nick told her, but quickly grabbed her hand. "But only if you are absolutely certain."

Amanda smiled at the man she had become close with before replying. "Really Nick. I mean it. It's absolutely fine."

"Okay Amanda. But please take care."

"Will do. I will see you at work tomorrow."

"You do realise that you don't have to come in tomorrow?" Nick asked through the open car window.

"Yeah. But I need the challenge."

"Okay, I'll see you then."

Heading up to her apartment she fumbled through her pockets to find the keys.

Flicking on the lights she took heed of the state of her apartment. Just the way that she left it. Good.

In her bathroom she started to run a hot bath and added some bath salts.

Taking off her jacket and shoes she continued to adjust the temperature.

Just as she was about to sink into the comfort of the hot water she heard something that made her shiver.

A wolf whistle sounded from behind her and made Amanda freeze where she stood.

 **Very sorry about the lack of updates. Had complications and required two surgeries because of my appendix. Please let me know what you think. And thank you very much for the reviews, follows and favourites. I so appreciate it.**


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

A shiver ran through her body before she was able to stop it.

"Amanda, you seem so tense. Relax sweetheart."

She felt something being thrown at her. It was some of the clothing that had been by the door. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. Slowly she turned around and her eyes connected with the man standing in the doorway to her bathroom.

Immediately she did her best to cover herself up, feeling very exposed.

"Please Amanda. It's not like you to be so shy. Seriously? It's me Mandy."

She raised her brow. "Are you serious? And I thought that you were headed home. You had…"

"Flights? Yeah. We sure did. We all had them booked. But you know what? I thought that it would be real nice if I stayed in New York for a while. You know, I thought that we could catch up for old times' sake."

"Sam. You really shouldn't be here. Just go, now, and everything will be okay. I won't say anything, you don't need to mention anything. Just get out of the state before anyone realises that you are still here."

This time he raised a brow. "You seriously thought that that would work? Honestly? Please Mandy. Now get dressed."

She didn't move.

"I said NOW."

His sudden change in tone startled her and she began to turn away from him.

"Ah, ah, ah little lady. There's no need to be shy. It's just me, remember?"

She didn't listen to him however and continued on. His frustration at her not listening to him lead him to reaching forward, and locking his hand around her wrist.

"You'll listen to me when I talk to you and tell you to do something Mandy. It would pay for you to learn that lesson quickly. Real quickly." He twisted her wrist, contorting it at an odd angle. "Now hurry up. We've gotta go."

Amanda was hurrying to cover her nakedness, but at the same time was wishing that she could draw the process out somewhat, so that she could figure out something to do. But it didn't work.

As she finished pulling on her shoes, she turned around and was met with a fist to her face. Effectively punching her so hard that she lost consciousness.

Sam hoisted her up and over his shoulder in a fireman's lift and carried her out of the bathroom. He made sure that her gun, keys and cellphone were left in her apartment. Though he took her cuffs, thinking that they would come in handy later.

Walking down the hall he was met by an elderly lady.

"Good evening, Ma'am."

"Oh, goodness. Is she alright?"

"Yes thank you. She had a girls' night in with a friend and ended up getting very, very drunk. I am just taking her home. I'd rather that she was safe, than risk her taking a taxi."

The woman cooed. "Aw, that's sweet. There aren't many men like you around anymore."

"Thank you Ma'am. I appreciate that. You have a lovely evening now."

"You too dear. Make sure you look after that one."

"Will do."

As he headed down the elevator and the out to the car, he couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief. Women of all ages loved him, as long as he put on a good front. Heck, being kind to his wife in a bar, and using his southern drawl, pre-marriage was how he landed her. Women loved that southern accent.

He loaded the unconscious woman in his arms into the back of the car and cuffed her hands to the car door.

Driving through the streets it was paramount that he kept under the radar as much as possible. He kept to the back streets where possible and made sure he adhered to the speed limits.

At first he was going to leave Amanda be. But then he decided that she couldn't get away with messing with Patton; messing with all of them like that. So instead he went and jumped in the deep end.

There was no going back now. But that was okay. The guys were all just as angry as he was with Amanda. Otherwise they would never have agreed to go with him to the hospital to intimidate her – not that that worked at all. She had her big grizzly bear of a partner there to protect her.

Well, she certainly didn't have him, or any of her little cop buddies around to protect her this time. She was about to see what it was like on her own.

…

A short while later they arrived at a small, slightly run down house. It was nothing flash, not by anyone's standards. But the thing was, it was a house that he was certain would fly under the radar. At least, for a period of time long enough that Amanda would realise exactly the pain that she had caused, and repent all of her mistakes. Not that that would do any good now anyways.

Tossing the woman over his shoulder once again, he took her inside and cuffed her to the wall heater, before heading back outside and covering up the car. It was not smart to leave it out in the open for prying eyes to see.

…

Amanda groaned as she began to wake up. Her head had a dull, yet highly apparent ache and she soon realised the gravity of the situation she was in when she felt the cuffs that were locked tight around her wrists, whilst simultaneously taking in her new environment. She didn't like the idea of this. She didn't like it one bit.

Her only saving grace was that she had been adamant about going to work tomorrow. So at least when she wouldn't show up, and then when her friends and colleagues wouldn't be able to reach her they would know that something was up, and they would investigate the situation fairly quickly.

Hearing footsteps approaching her she sat up as fast as she could and looked at the doorway that joined her room to the next.

"Well, Mandy. Looks like you are awake. I think that it is time to talk? What do you say?"

"I say that you are making a huge mistake. And not that you realise it now, but you are going to be in so much trouble when they find me. You will have hell to pay."

He laughed a sinister laugh. Something that she had never heard from him. Nor did she ever think that she would hear.

"Rollins, they would have to find your body for them to be able to touch me."

Her eyes grew wide. 'Crap.' That was not at all what she had been expecting to hear from this man. He had been her boss. She had respected him – as much as possible. And she thought he had felt the same in return. But now, now she was well and truly stunned.

And genuinely worried. It seemed as though he was off his rocker. And clearly it was not something that she was going to be able to talk him down from.

"Just let me go. I will find my way back. My friends won't even know that I was gone."

His anger flared and he stomped forward, slapping her hard across the face. "Are you kidding me? You are kidding me right? Shut up you ignorant little cow. You'll get what is coming to you. Just you wait and see. You need to understand something. Me coming and getting you was only part one. You caused Patton to lose his job. His pension; everything. You are the reason that he has lost everything. So I think that it was time that you were knocked down a peg – or twenty."

Amanda gulped. This was not seeming to go in her favour.

She just had to keep herself alive and okay until her team came and got her.

Reynolds went and sat down in front of her. Though he made sure that his gun was away from where prying hands could reach, but still in plain view so that there was a level of intimidation that would not and could not be mistaken.

Amanda was alert and aware of what he was trying to do. She had decided from the moment that she saw him that she would stand her ground. But at the same time, she was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that he had kidnapped her, hit her and had subtly, yet not outright directly threatened to kill her. Or in fact, made it seem as though he was indeed going to kill her. This was not the same man. What had happened to Sam Reynolds?

"What are we doing here?"

"What are we doing here? WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?!" he stood up and began to pace back and forth.

"We are here so that you understand or at least can begin to understand that you don't mess with your brothers in blue."

"What do you mean? I didn't 'mess' with anyone."

"Yes, you DID!"

"Sam, think about things. Do you think I am a liar?"

"Honestly. I don't know what you are. But I think that you don't mind spinning a good story as long as the end result is in your favour."

"Sam plea-"

"No Amanda!" He walked up to her hitting her again, causing her head to be jolted, making her slightly dizzy.

"No what?"

"No. You are not going to worm your way out of this."

Spitting blood from her mouth she thought hard about what to say next.

"You… you honestly think that I said what I did at trial just to look good? To make Patton the bad guy?"

"Of course! Face it Amanda. You are a damn liar. You were Little Miss Blondie that got while the getting was good. Then when it came out and made you look bad, you turned it all around so that you were the victim. If he… If it- If Patt-"

"Listen to yourself! You can't even say it can you? You can't even get it through your skull that Patton may not, and in fact is not the good guy that has been your boss throughout the past years. I mean seriously, do you think that I got up on the stand for fun? Do you think that I said all of those horrible things? Do you think I told the court about the things _he_ did to _me_ just for _fun?_ Just for a damn _laugh?_ Are you insane? That was one of the hardest things that I have had to do in my entire life."

Reynolds grabbed a hold of her jaw and held it tight in his grasp. He was forcing her to look at him. And she was not about to be the one that looked away.

"I'm sure that it was. It must be hard keeping up appearances. Keeping all of the lies that you spun straight in that pretty little head of yours. Isn't that right?"

Amanda was frustrated, and truly infuriated. Trying to shake her head free but realising that it was futile she opted to speak anyway.

"You are so dense. You don't get it. Patton did do those things. Not only to me. But to others. But you'll take the word of one conniving man over the word of multiple others. He has got you wrapped around his finger real good. Are your thoughts even yours anymore? Or are you only here so that you can do his bidding?"

This comment only served to infuriate the large man even further. He pushed her head back, so that it collided with the wall and took the momentary lapse in her ability to reply in words or actions to take his foot and give Amanda a swift kick to the abdomen.

The pain seared through her body as she gasped, feeling a sense of light-headedness coming to the foreground of her mind.

"Just you wait Mandy." He told her before walking away, leaving his former colleague and friend gasping for air.

 **Hi all. So I wanted to update for you. This is very different from the episode. I hope everyone doesn't mind/ likes that? Please, please review and let me know. I would very much appreciate it. Thanks! And thank you for the reviews/follows/favs. (As well as the well wishes).**


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